Secrets from a Professional Matchmaker!

I’m Monique Miles, CarpeDM Matchmaker and Licensed Professional Counselor, and I’m sharing my matchmaker secrets! In my work with couples, I am often asked “What is a stable relationship?” or “What to look for in a partner?” Based on my professional experience, there are three keys that open the door to a solid relationship. Not only are these three keys crucial foundations of a healthy relationship, but they are also indicative of whether or not your courtship will lead to commitment. What are these three healthy relationship habits, you ask? Communication, Intentionality, and Consistency.

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1. Communication

Love and communication go hand in hand. I always get a variation of the question “What should you look for in a relationship?” In an ideal relationship, regular communication is key because we cannot expect to meet the needs or expectations of our partner or have our expectations and needs met without it. Communicating expectations goes beyond what you want from the relationship. A lot of people encounter problems and have to work through issues that could have been avoided if expectations had been set prior. Couples can voice their expectations and set boundaries around how they will handle conflict, divide household chores, manage finances, raise children, spend quality time, and more.  

A lot of relationships end due to unmet expectations, because it leads to relationship dissatisfaction and resentment. The tragedy in that is that a lot of those expectations are not communicated. Our partners cannot read our minds. It is important to reframe this misconception of “they should just know” or “if he wanted to, he would,” as that is unfair.

We can’t expect them to know what we need if we do not communicate with them. A majority of the time, our partners are not intentionally trying to hurt us or neglect our needs. Our loved ones deserve the information, they deserve to know that they have hurt us or contributed to our unhappiness. We often find that once they are made aware, they will take the necessary steps to correct that behavior. Communicating expectations sets the tone and foundation for an ideal relationship.

For those who are single, you can also communicate expectations when seeking healthy love and a balanced relationship. Communicating expectations of courtship can help determine whether or not the relationship is sustainable and beneficial for both parties. Communication is also important in getting to know the person you’re dating, but it is also important in understanding if your goals and values align. Here at CarpeDM, we ask a lot of those values oriented questions upfront. That is purposeful. Whether they know it or not, a person’s values determine all of the decisions they make. Values impact where you spend your time, how you handle your finances, and even where you live. If your values do not align, it is better to know that sooner rather than later.

Check out the CarpeDM blog page for other topics and all things dating and relationships tailored for black singles!

2. Intentionality

Moving with intention is telling. I have heard many say, “if a man is interested in you, you will know.” I would alter that to say, if a person is interested in you, you will know. I think it is important to note that people who are serious about love and commitment will often be an intentional person; they will be intentional about their time and their pursuit of you.

Intentionality in an established relationship is important to keep the romance alive and meet shared goals. It is so easy to get swept up in your daily routine. It is imperative to make intentional time for your partner. Scheduling does not sound sexy but it can be the main component in keeping the flame burning. Be intentional about scheduling date nights, taking time each night for intimacy and reconnection in any form, it’s pivotal. Be an intentional lover! Couples can also be intentional in the pursuit of your shared goals. Shared goals can include breaking generational patterns or creating generational wealth. Whatever that looks like for you as a couple, being intentional about creating time and space for those dreams also creates shared interest, which is another way to bond and connect.

Head on over to our Black Women Deserve series on Attracting the Perfect Mate where CarpeDM Matchmaker and emotional intelligence coach, Erin F. Darden, helps you set smart goals for communication and relationship building.

3. Consistency

Finally, consistency is key in a relationship. Communication and intentionality mean nothing without doing them consistently. Consistency in relationships is not only indicative of interest while dating, but it is also indicative of commitment once relationships are established. A healthy relationship can’t be expected to thrive if the individuals are not practicing relationship consistency;  consistently doing the work to pour into the partnership and each other. My husband and I practiced consistency when dating and continue to practice it in our marriage. For example, we practice relationship consistency by doing weekly check ins and dates!

You may be thinking about how to be consistent in a relationship. Consistency may look different for each person in a relationship. That’s fine. The key here is to communicate and talk with your partner about what consistency looks like for you. Comprehension in a relationship is contingent upon asking the right questions and sharing honest answers. Questions like “What relationship aspects and relationship foundations are important for you to know I’m being consistent?” Be wary of broad questions like “What do you seek in a relationship” and instead ask for the specifics like “How often would you like to talk or text on a daily basis?” This exercise is meant for you to learn about each other and contribute to a positive relationship.

Check out How to Succeed in Your Matchmaking Journey – With Expert Matchmaker Brooke Fitzpatrick to learn how a matchmaker can help make your journey dating more intentional and successful.

Final Thoughts

If you are dating with the hope of long-term commitment, practice healthy communication by communicating expectations and values; this will lead to a consistent relationship. If these things are not reciprocated, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship, as they may not be a good partner for you. When in a committed relationship, remember to practice healthy communication, move with intention, and stay consistent.

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