According to the United States Census Bureau in 1970, 35.6% of Black men and 27.7% of Black women were never married, but by 2020, these percentages had jumped to 51.4% for Black men and 47.5% for Black women.
We know that successful coupling and marriage is directly tied to economic mobility, generational wealth building, and maintaining social and political capital. We also know that online dating is now the #1 way singles meet. However, finding love in the digital age has proven increasingly difficult despite our world’s social connectedness through the internet and social media. Within the Black community, there are added layers of nuance between men and women in their journey toward finding companionship. Battling systemic racism, societal pressures, miscommunication, and a myriad of unrealistic expectations, modern dating culture is complex, confusing, and often discouraging.
In an effort to unpack these intricacies and bridge the gap between love-seeking men and women, CarpeDM created the Black Dating Peace Treaty initiative. On August 24th, at Yours Truly DC, we kicked off a seminar and workshop hosted by our founder, Naza Shelley, with our partner TheBlackManCan. Joined by panelists Dr. Brandon Frame, licensed mental health counselor and certified Gottman therapist Mac Cazeau, life and relationship coach Cassandra Menard, and dating and lifestyle motivational speaker Randall Scott. And seminar facilitators dating and relationship researcher Joyice Robinson Myers, clinical psychologist and psychoanalytic scholar Dr. Justin Hopkins, and master certified professional coach Yusha Assad.
The Black Dating Peace Treaty seminar itinerary commenced with a panel session, followed by two breakout sessions, and a collaborative workshop. The participating audience comprised men and women eager to explore ways to form more healthy relationships, allowing for an in-depth and perspective-rich discussion about the modern dating landscape, with an emphasis on the unique challenges faced by Black singles. “Joining forces with CarpeDM allowed us to spark authentic discussions and empower Black singles to form connections that resonate beyond the surface,” remarked Dr. Brandon Frame.
Through honest dialogue and actionable strategies, the event aimed to foster mutual understanding and create a roadmap for healthier, more intentional dating practices. The Black Dating Peace Treaty laid the foundation for building authentic connections and closing the gap between love-seeking individuals in the Black community. Here’s how.
Addressing Challenges in the Current Dating Landscape
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, approximately 47% of the U.S. population identify as single — an opportune pool of companion-seekers. Of these 117 million singles, 30% have utilized an online dating app or website to find love. Highly-frequented platforms like Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, Hinge, and eHarmony have historically seen consistent user activity, but recent statistics have indicated a significant shift away from swiping.
Since the end of the COVID-19 pandemic, online dating fatigue has plagued the landscape. Already battling hookup culture, ghosting, the paradox of choice, societal pressure, and mismatched expectations, single Black men and women also face disproportionate racial bias compared to other races. Still, despite similar adversities, both genders reckon with unique dating issues.
The Dating Gender Divide
We all know the old adage, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It’s no surprise that men and women have different perspectives on modern dating culture, and many of these diverging experiences are a result of societal expectations and heteronormative gender roles. These traditional roles can manufacture pressure on both sides. Especially in today’s dating age where women have more economic and social autonomy and upward mobility; a trend more pronounced between Black men and women; with only 16% of married women being the breadwinners generally, compared to 25% of Black married women being the breadwinner. Black women are more likely than any other ethnic group to be in marriages where they’re the breadwinner or in an egalitarian marriage.
This dynamic can create tension in relationships where traditional gender roles still influence expectations. Men may feel pressure to take charge and assert control, while women often face the expectation to be accommodating and supportive. Still, both genders, bring unique priorities into dating: men tend to value physical attraction, loyalty, and intimacy, while women often prioritize emotional connection, stability (both emotional and financial), and shared long-term goals.
While these gender divide lines persist, we’re noticing an evolution in how men and women are interacting and coupling, evidenced by both genders seeking more balanced, equal partnerships.
Still, underlying differences in communication styles, emotional needs, and relationship goals must be mediated to bridge the gender gap and achieve healthier, more fulfilling connections. While there is a continuous effort to evolve, these deeply rooted expectations require intention to uproot, including professional intervention and relationship education.
The Panel
To set the tone and illustrate the Black dating culture divide, panelists addressed three key topics; historical and cultural influences, common misconceptions and stereotypes, and the impact of mass media.
Cassandra Menard explained how enslavement’s haunting effects perpetuate stereotypes about Black fatherhood and absenteeism. Mac Cazeau explained the four horsemen of relationships and how he’s able to predict the health and lifespan of a relationship based on those key pillars. Each expert provided sound context for analyzing the unique challenges singles in the Black community reckon with.
To further dissect the contrasting dating issues, we divided participants by gender into two breakout discussion groups. Our expert facilitators led the groups in addressing questions surrounding communication styles, societal expectations, and cultural pressures. While the hours-long discussions were nuanced, here are some key takeaways.
Key Dating Challenges for Black Women
Communication Styles:
Women often hesitate to communicate their standards or preferences during the early stages of dating, fearing they might seem demanding or high-maintenance, particularly regarding career and relationship roles. Participants also identified frustration with men lacking vulnerability, ultimately leading to emotional disconnection.
Social Expectations:
Women are often driven by a scarcity mindset derived from societal expectations around beauty, marriage, and motherhood. Many feel pressured to meet unattainable beauty standards, believing their desirability fades with age, creating urgency to find a partner.
Cultural Pressures:
Pressure to achieve marriage and motherhood as milestones creates anxiety for single women, making it difficult to balance societal expectations with personal goals. This only adds to the stress and emotional toll of the dating process. While women are conditioned to prioritize marriage and starting a family, men are able to date around more casually. This opposing approach creates inevitable conflict with intentions.
Unfavorable Eligible Suitor Ratio:
Black women face an unfavorable dating ratio as there are significantly more eligible Black bachelorettes than there are Black bachelors. This unfavorable ratio means that Black women have fewer choices within the community, further complicating the aforementioned sense of scarcity and urgency.
Further, for the men Black women can identify as serious suitors who desire marriage and family, it is challenging to discern if such men truly want to be husbands or if they only want to marry for the sake of being a married father. Joyice Robinson Myers shares that several of her Black female clients are overly cautious because they want to avoid marrying a man who solely values the womb — not the woman.
Key Dating Challenges for Black Men
Communication Styles:
Men expressed significant difficulty in creating clear communication lines with their female counterparts. Saddled with the expectation to make the first move, men fear rejection, which can deter them from shooting their shot.
Furthermore, male participants identified struggling with being emotionally vulnerable — with one participant stating: “Women aren’t familiar with how to deal with a man’s vulnerabilities and men struggle with sharing in a way that women can receive the message.” Adding to this struggle for men to feel safe opening up is their feeling that when they do, women respond inappropriately.
Social Expectations:
Men are typically expected to fulfill the roles of protector and provider in relationships, which can be overwhelming to uphold as they demand that men exhibit strength, financial stability, and success on the first date. Failing to meet such standards can create overwhelming anxiety and hammer home an already heightened fear of rejection.
Social media adds another layer of unrealistic expectations by magnifying societal standards, pushing men to accelerate their personal and financial development in an attempt to meet ideals shaped by online peers. This creates a culture where genuine growth and human interaction are replaced by superficial engagement, resulting in a lack of substance in relationships.
Cultural Pressures:
Summarized perfectly by Dr. Justin Hopkins, “[Black men] have been taught since we were young that our value comes solely from how we perform, and what we can do, often for others. In relationships, we may feel unsure if we’re liked for who we are or what we offer.”
Participants also addressed the weight of historical deficits that they felt pressure to rectify. Battling harmful stereotypes, harrowing statistics around Black marriage, and generational trauma only add to the virulence.
Shared Struggles: Where Black Women and Men Agree
At the conclusion of the first breakout session, attendees and panelists were gathered back together for a collaborative discussion. In this segment, participants explored the complexities of dating within the Black community and where men and women could find common ground.
- Authenticity and Vulnerability:
Both genders recognized how difficult it can be to show up authentically and vulnerably in relationships. While both men and women expressed a desire for genuine connections they felt it best to avoid showing their truest selves and sharing deeper emotions in the early stages of a relationship. Joyice encourages daters to “Temper their acts of vulnerability. Share one layer at a time and see how the other person reacts. Their reaction helps to determine the next kind of emotional investment, if at all.”
Participants agreed on the importance of recognizing that everyone comes into a relationship with their own history and emotional baggage. They called for compassion and understanding that this baggage usually influences behavior and dynamics in relationships. Without an open mind and heart, the talking stages can feel shallow and ingenuine.
“Vulnerability is a dangerous thing to place in the hands of the wrong person. But it can also be a strength in helping one figure out who is best for them.” - Coach Yusha Assad
- Negative Impact of Social Media:
Social media also distorts the reality of relationships, creating an unhealthy culture of comparison. Dr. Hopkins asserts, “Dating is not a popularity contest. It is not about who you can get to like you, the social status of the potential partner, or other enticing yet superficial aspects of the date.” Instead, singles should focus on discernment—finding the right match for your unique personality, wants, needs, and goals.
With an overabundance of social media love “experts” and “gurus,” love-seeking singles are susceptible to taking advice from unqualified sources — yes, even the “love specialists” with large platforms! Ultimately, relationship advice should come from vetted, trustworthy sources to avoid creating more harm than good. While this content can be entertaining, overconsuming it can lead to confusion and ingrain unrealistic expectations. Such a constant stream of advice, often conflicting or overly simplistic, can overwhelm and detract from positive growth.
- Communication Challenges:
Unsurprisingly, men and women agreed that sometimes we’re just speaking two different languages. Cassandra Menard likened the divergent communication styles to a waterfall, women are the water flowing with emotion, and men are the rocks, keeping the structure, supporting the rush. Both parties emphasized the importance of communicating in a way that resonates with their partner, highlighting that clear communication is essential for avoiding elementary misunderstandings.
Participants acknowledged the challenges of vulnerability, with men expressing concerns that women may not know how to respond to their openness. This common struggle underscores the call for both partners to foster a safe environment for honest dialogue.
Both sides placed a high value on effective conflict resolution techniques, agreeing that leaving issues unresolved can spell trouble for a relationship. Open, honest conversations are vital for tackling challenges and fostering a healthy, lasting connection.
- Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations:
Gender and societal expectations impose restrictive roles that hinder authenticity and fulfillment in relationships. Joyice supports that “societal norms pressure individuals to follow a certain progression, sometimes at the expense of personal desires or readiness. Today, many of the grievances expressed between men and women stem from an interplay of unrealistic expectations that women project on men, and a lack of readiness that men present to women.”
Within the Black community, where trauma stemming from systemic oppression is omnipresent, it’s crucial to acknowledge the distinct challenges faced by both Black women and men. Cultivating empathy and understanding for these unique experiences is essential for fostering deeper connections while dating.
The Black Dating Peace Treaty: Actionable Strategies for Successful Dating
In the final group workshop, experts and attendees synthesized the collective discoveries and reflections learned from the breakout sessions into an actionable plan — The Black Dating Peace Treaty.
These approachable strategies for navigating our ever-evolving modern dating culture empower singles to develop deeper, more meaningful connections. With the following four strategies, Black singles can confidently and authentically engage with a potential match. Let’s break it down.
Date with Intention
Coach Yusha Assad imparts great wisdom about dating with intention. “Take time to become self-aware and understand the power your thoughts, words, and actions have on who you’re meeting, accepting, and experiencing. Your experiences can shape your beliefs, but your beliefs will shape your future experiences.” Heed his advice with the following six steps:
Step 1: Identify Your Values - What matters most to you in a relationship? Compatibility relies heavily on shared core values, interests, and deal-breakers. Identifying yours will guide your decisions and optimize your dating pool. Don’t know where to start? Consider working with a professional to define what matters most to you.
Step 2: Set Goals - Determine your dating objectives. Are you looking for a serious relationship, casual dating, or simply to expand your social circle? Goal-setting can help you stay focused.
Step 3: Communicate Openly & Effectively - Create open, inviting forums for communication with potential partners. Honest conversations foster richer relationships. If you struggle with effective communication, check out these guides from Harvard and HelpGuide.
Step 4: Embrace Selective Dating - Always prioritize quality over quantity. Narrow your focus on pursuing people who align well with your values and goals.
Step 5: Be Present - Active listening is a crucial component to understanding your partner’s background, beliefs, needs, wants, and boundaries. Be present by asking questions and offering an empathetic ear. Create a safe space for both you and your partner to be vulnerable and work through relationship frictions.
Step 6: Assess Your Experiences Regularly - Are you enjoying your time with your partner? Do you see the relationship growing in a favorable direction? Be meticulous in your assessment of your date nights, conversations, and interactions.
Learn How to Communicate
Throughout the seminar, participants repeatedly identified communication as a significant challenge while dating — emphasizing the importance of collaboratively cultivating effective ways to address conflict. Asking clarifying questions, creating a judgment-free space, acknowledging non-verbal cues (your own and your partner’s), and showing compassion are the cornerstone pillars of healthy communication.
Practice Empathy
In all relationships, we all have a fundamental need to feel seen and heard. According to Dr. Hopkins, “Empathy is the bedrock of intimacy and connection. Real connection that lasts is founded upon a deep understanding and appreciation for the other person, their perspective, how they feel, and what’s important to them.” He further explains that being empathetic is less about agreeing with your partner, but better defined by understanding why they feel, think, or react in the way they do.
With a mutual comprehension of the different challenges each gender faces, Black men and women can use Dr. Hopkins’ strategies:
- Black men be mindful that you have the privilege of more choice (and more time if you’re interested in having children) in the dating landscape. Communicate your intentions, and be direct about your degree of attachment and commitment to your partner whether it’s something they will enjoy hearing or not. Be kind, but do not sacrifice the truth about your degree of interest to placate or assuage a difficult conversation. The result is always more painful in the end.
- Black women, a lot of Black men have foundational doubts about whether their experience matters, having grown up in a “boys don’t cry” culture. When communicating an expectation, request, or preference that is about an act of service, also consider how you can communicate care or appreciation for things that are about who he is, as opposed to what he does or how you benefit.
Have Fun
There’s no denying that modern dating culture can make finding love a doom-and-gloom experience — sucking the vibrance, excitement, and life out of an adventure that should feel inspiring, hopeful, and enjoyable. We can’t stress this enough; don’t forget to have fun while dating!
Plan exciting dates, experiment with new cuisines and restaurants, take a dance lesson, rent a kayak, get out of your comfort zone. Celebrate wins and milestones, whether it’s a career accomplishment or an anniversary. Never stop sharing your hopes and dreams for the future. Finding your person isn’t all about algorithms, formulas, decisions, and deal-breakers. Be sure to leave plenty of room for pure joy in each other’s company.
Wrapping Up
The Black Dating Peace Treaty provides a thoughtful framework for navigating the complexities of modern Black dating culture. By creating open lines of communication, dating with intention, and practicing empathy, singles can build deeper, more meaningful romantic connections.
As you pursue new relationships, be sure to keep yourself surrounded by a supportive and positive network to keep your spirits high and expectations grounded. Consider stepping away from social media for a refreshed perspective on modern dating and time to self-reflect. Most importantly, stay focused on building bonds that feed your soul, encourage growth, and align with your long-term goals.
What's next for CarpeDM?
At CarpeDM, we take great pride in our continued efforts to build bridges in our community and forge accessible avenues for relationship success. We understand that navigating today’s Black dating culture is complex, and we’re pioneering the way toward simplified matchmaking.
Beyond our elevated, personalized matchmaking service, we’re planning more partnerships and in-person events in the D.C. area and beyond. You can also look forward to more informative reports, think-pieces, and words of wisdom from our founders, matchmakers, and trusted partners.
