Dating is no walk in the park, especially as a single Black man in America. A 2021 study discovered only 34.4% of Black American men were married, compared to White men at 55.5%. The difference is jarring and shines a light on the reality of the complex nature of dating as a Black man today.
If you’re looking for real love beyond situationships, summer flings, and serial DMer’s, where do you begin? How can you level up your dating pool and start making meaningful progress toward a lasting relationship? Fine-tuning your dating standards list is your first step.
At CarpeDM, our love experts have their finger on the pulse of what makes a relationship work. Our guide to setting healthy dating standards is meant to help our Black brothers find the love they deserve. Let us lead the way to your perfect match.
Dating standards are threshold criteria one keeps when dating and searching for a serious, long-term romantic partner. Healthy dating standards are best narrowed down to personal values, personality traits, lived experiences, future goals, and non-negotiable qualities that determine your compatibility with another person.
Think of dating standards as personal benchmarks; defining what you deem acceptable versus unacceptable in a person or romantic relationship. Healthy dating standards are thoughtful, straightforward boundaries you set to protect your heart and yourself from wasting time on someone who just isn’t a match.
Naturally, everyone’s dating standards list looks different, meaning there are no right or wrong answers. However, do be mindful to prioritize the things that make you fall for someone (their sense of humor, their ambition, their warmth) over mere appearances. There’s always much more than meets the eye with every potential match you date.
Establishing and maintaining healthy dating standards is critical to ensuring that the relationships you pursue are aligned with your needs and expectations. While it may seem counterintuitive to intentionally cast a smaller net in your local or online dating pool, doing so can set you up for more worthwhile and fulfilling connections. Remember, it's not about the size of the pool; it's about the depth of the connections you forge.
By honing in on qualities and traits that truly matter to you, you establish a filtering system that eliminates incompatible matches and effectively directs your energy towards individuals who share your values. This intentional approach enhances the quality of your dating experiences and increases the likelihood of forming genuine connections that stand the test of time.
High dating standards vs. healthy dating standards: what’s the difference?
High standards tend to focus on surface-level, superficial traits like looks, social media presence, body count, and income. Healthy standards, on the other hand, prioritize core values, lifestyle choices, open communication, and emotional compatibility. The latter will poise you for near-perfect partners who seamlessly align with your moral values, desires, and boundaries.
You’re sold — we’ve convinced you that it’s time to seriously implement some healthy dating standards to up your dating game, but you don’t know where to start. CarpeDM is here to help! Use the following seven essential dating standards to get your swiping in order.
The experts weren't lying when they said communication is everything. Regardless of how perfect your match may be, the two of you are bound to have different communication styles. The key is finding out if they are able to communicate in a way that you will receive well. Of course, with every relationship there is give and take. Discovering common ground in your communication styles takes time and care — make sure your match has an open-mind (and heart), patience, and a healthy way with their words.
What are the tell-tale signs of a good communicator? Look out for these do’s and don'ts as you bet to know them:
They are good communicators if they:
They struggle with communication if they:
We all learned it as children; treat others the way you want to be treated. Mutual respect is simple and should ground your compatibility compass. Both you and your partner should be able to value your individual experiences, similarities, differences, beliefs, and identities. We believe respect is best characterized by four main pillars; honesty, compromise, boundaries, and consideration.
Trust us, we keep harping on compatibility for a reason! If you wish to build a lasting and robust connection, finding your “person” starts with narrowing down your pool to people who align with your values, beliefs, interests, and communication styles. We’re not saying they need to be carbon-copies of you (you probably don’t want that, either!), but your partner should be someone you easily get along with. Think of it as finding the ying to your yang.
Let’s be real; when compatibility takes a backseat, couples often find themselves hung up and arguing about the same conflicting opinions, misunderstandings, and an overall sense of dissatisfaction. This mismatch can gradually erode the relationship you’ve built. While you’re still dating, be sure to assess and nurture compatibility early on so you can lay the groundwork for a successful and gratifying partnership.
This one is simple. You need to be attracted to your partner, but do keep in mind that there are many layers to attraction. Beyond a face card that never declines, you can also be emotionally, sexually, romantically, and intellectually attracted to someone. Attraction is what keeps you up at night thinking about your next date with your match.
Think of shared intention and clarity as shared goals you’re both eagerly working toward. Whether it’s establishing financial stability, building a family, or working toward a loving marriage, you and your partner should be on the same page about what the future looks like. Having common objectives makes it so much sweeter to celebrate successes together as you accomplish them.
Conversely, if you’re hoping to settle down and start a family and your match would rather catch flights and fill up their calendar with plans, you’re inevitably hurtling toward an uncomfortable crossroads. Eliminate time wasted by making your intentions crystal clear early on.
Nobody wants to talk about sex on the first date — especially if you’re interested in taking things slow and getting to know your match before clothes come off. The reality is that both parties are likely already thinking about sex if there is mutual attraction.
Beyond the initial spark ignited by that attraction, sexual chemistry can develop over time, too. As you and your partner grow more comfortable with intimacy, you’ll get to the talk. Ask each other important questions about turn-ons, kinks, boundaries, and frequency. Be open and honest about your wants and needs, and encourage your partner to do the same.
Last, but certainly not least, trust is a cornerstone in any relationship. Your person should foster an environment that allows you to put your guard down and open your heart up. Unsurprisingly, trust in a relationship is inextricably linked to reliability and mutual respect — key facets in building long-term stability. You shouldn’t have to question your partner’s intentions, whereabouts, or loyalties.
If you struggle with trust issues, you’re not alone. Dating puts you in a vulnerable place and adding in a pool of strangers to the mix can be difficult to navigate. As you meet each person, be on the lookout for these traits of trustworthiness:
Creating and maintaining a list of healthy dating standards begins with introspection; deciding what’s important to you. Start by dialing in your non-negotiables and deal-breakers outside of physical appearance. Dating standards are less about a face card and more about core compatibility. Of course, attraction plays a critical part in finding a suitable partner, but we encourage you to dig deeper and hold personality and moral traits to the highest standard.
